So you have received your first invitation or you just want to integrate yourself within your local BDSM scene (pun intended) but you're just a little apprehensive about your first Play Party. Well sit back and relax!! I've got you covered!! In this guide, we'll go over tips to follow so you'll know what to expect and how to re~act to make your first Play Party an enjoyable experience.
Every party is different with a different set of rules but there are general rules which pertain to all parties. When you do receive an invitation from the host, if it doesn't come with a specific set of rules, ask!! This is a good rule when in doubt!! Don't assume anything and always ask if you are not sure!!
Public vs. Private Parties
Public parties are obviously open to anyone and they usually take place in a dungeon or a fetish area where there is an admission fee. To find public parties in your local area, check out FetLife, the social network for the kink community, cruising groups, and maybe sometimes you'll find info on Instagram or Facebook about kink parties from professional promoters and public kinksters. You can get your first introduction to your kinksters here. But it is open to the public and anyone can attend. Whereas a private party is by invitation only and everyone at a private party is linked to someone known. So just be careful with the public parties and keep your safety in mind as always.
In these public parties, you may see kink also, along with hired professionals demonstrating certain activities, and/or you may even see private individuals playing. This is a public party tho and you probably won't see as intense play or scenes as in a private party.
But these public parties will provide opportunities to meet new people and link up with people in your kink community. And you may even find a new dating potential.
Private parties are usually held in private dwellings or someone's home and are invitation only. Everyone knows everyone here so it is a little more safe than a public party. And makes it a more intimate, closer play area. Here you probably will see more intense scenes and more sexual activities than a public party. It also depends on the house rules what is permitted and what isn't. But typically, a private party is definitely going to have more intense scenes and play then a public party because a private party is, well, private.
If you don't know anyone to get an invitation to a private party, attending a public party is a start to getting into the kink community. Another option is attending a munch meeting. They are usually held in a low pressure public setting like a restaurant or a coffee shop and you will not see anyone engaging in any kink here. But it's a good place to ask questions and learn more about it. Again, you can find out about these meetings in FetLife and cruising groups.
In both public and private parties, you can expect a mix of diverse personalities and interests. But the common demonator is the kink. And they are all there to socialize. So you may see mild play to intense scenes and everything in between. You'll also find there are people there looking for play, whether while they are at the party or for play at a later date. You will find couples who are looking for play together with someone else or play 'together' separately with others. It's a great idea to decide what you want to engage in beforehand. If you just want to socialize and watch for your first party, that is absolutely alright. Don't do anything you are not comfortable with. And no one expects you to play. It is perfectly fine just to watch.
So know you how different public and private parties are, let's move in the expectations of these parties.
Parking
Even before you get to the party, know where to park. If the event is being held in a private dwelling, this is an important know how. For a couple of reasons. First, you don't want to block or piss off any of the host's neighbors by blocking them in when they are trying to leave and they have to come and find the host and who blocked them in!! Your host will absolutely not be happy about this!! Because their neighbor also might see something the host did not want them to see!! The host wants their activities to stay 'invisible' to their neighbors!! So this will not be looked upon favorably and probably will get you kicked out!! So if your invitation did not have instructions on where to park, ask!!
Dress Code
On the way to the party, you're to dress in street clothing. Usually dark clothing unless otherwise directed by the host. This is where the 'grandmother rule' comes to play. What the grandmother rule is, if you would happen to run into your grandma on the way to the dwelling, your grandma ma ma would not be shocked by what you are wearing. You will be transporting your BDSM clothing and supplies to this party also. So you will need to carry those items in mundane and plain bags, tubes, back packs etc. Nothing is too stand out.
So that covers on the way in, what about what to wear when you are in? Unless there were specific instructions on what to wear and not wear, then that is totally up to you!! Wear whatever you are comfortable in!! Whether you want to dress in a T~Shirt that tells a specific kink you are into with some jeans or you can go with lingerie, which is always a good choice or fet gear, whatever it is, make it comfy!! And anything with a lot of leather and lace is always good also. Just a usual rule of thumb, don't wear a collar. If you're not anyone's sub and you wear one, it could be confusing. Collars are very symbolic and really only should be worn by sub's. Other than that, wear anything that you want.
Behavior
As for the rule of nothing is to stand out, that goes for your behavior on the way to the house also!! You should maintain and act like every other person that is out and about, and your behavior should be like that you're doing mundane and everyday activities. No one should see you and have anything stand out about you!! Whether that would be in clothing or behavior. Remember, your host wants to stay 'invisible' to their neighbors. And if you do anything to jeopardize that invisibility, more than likely, you not only will be thrown out but you will never be asked again to attend any party in your local area. Word of mouth travels fast.
Arriving at the Party
Once you have parked and successfully made your way to the dwelling without any problems, and you have arrived inside, (you may have to have your ID to get in just an fyi. If you're not sure if you'll need it or not, bring it just in case) they probably will provide instructions on where to change your clothes and where to place your things. If they happen to not give you those details, we go back to the golden rule, which is to ask!! But most hosts are extremely diligent in welcoming the guests and giving details of where you should change and store your belongings during the party.
Arriving on time is very important also. Especially for your first party. There could be an 'orientation' for newbies that you definitely don't want to miss! This is where you will be welcomed, where you will find important expectations and rules to go by, who the dungeon master is, etc. These parties are usually well put together and well planned and there may be certain rules to go by, but for the most part, everyine is chill and open. It was said to me on my first orientation, 'Tonight you may find your wildest dreams and fantasies come true, then again, it may not. But either way, it is still a new experience.'
Where to Begin Once I'm In
Serach out your host to say hello and thanks for the invitation. This will let them know you're there and if there are any further rules or instructions, you will get them here. If there isn't and you have a question, this would be a great time to ask. It is also a great idea to bring a gift for your host.
What You Will See
You will see a lot of people in a lot of visually appealing attire and a lot of different things. You will see people who are wearing fetish gear and people who are wearing nothing but a smile. Even though there will be a lot to find appealing to look at, don't stare too long at any one person. And definitely NEVER touch anyone without asking first!!
When you see a Dom/sub couple, always greet the Dom first. And don't be the first to address the sub. Follow the direction of the Dom. He or she may or may not introduce you the their sub.
Usually, dom's will address dom's and sub's will greet sub's. And if you're not sure what to call someone, go with mam' or sir.
This is a kink party so you will probably see scenes that you will enjoy. While also you may see things that you don't like or are uncomfortable with or you may even see something that you are triggered by. And that is alright if you are uncomfortable with certain activities. Though it is your responsibility to remove yourself and not the people doing the scene.
There will be people there that are participating in very sexual acts as stated before. They are doing those things for their pleasure, not yours. Stay away from the action unless you are invited to play (and you want to). Just a glance your way is not an invitation.
Interference is extremely rude. If you see people who are doing a scene, keep your comments to yourself. The top is focusing on pleasing the bottom and the bottom is in a very private mental state. If someone loudly suggests something, that will pull their mental state back to reality and that will not be fondly received. Just because the scene is happening in a front of a crowd, does not mean that comments from the audience are alright. Because they are NOT. If you want to talk to them or compliment them on something, wait until the play is over and they are circulating and socializing again. Do not bother them during their after care. Remember, a scene is not completed until the aftercare is.
Energy Vampires
Just by watching, you could potentially be what is called an "energy vampire" which is someone who mettles with the energy or vibes of the people who are doing a scene. These people are watching the intense enhancement as if they are just watching a bad, low budget porno flick. In other words, they have no empathy towards the people in the scene, no sense of connection to what is going on. And that causes unwelcomed, negative vibes to the people in play. It distributs with the spirit and the life of the scene and of the vibes players in it.
So if you can watch with an open mind and heart, and pick up on the energy of the players, try and send them good vibes and wishes towards the one's that are playing, and this will be received well. Enjoy and appreciate the opportunity to be a part of the experience. Because you are part of the experience just by watching. The players truly enjoy people that watch and appreciate what they are seeing with good intentions. So all you need to do is to truly enjoy what you are seeing and be polite and tactful and you will be alright.
Interest in Somebody
You are at a play party and it is more than likely you will see a hottie or two. Or three. If you want to play and you ask, be prepared to take a "no" thank you gracefully. The best way to find someone to play is to mingle and make small talk. If you just relax and chat with people, while not expecting to hop into play, then you'll more than likely find someone who is in to what you are. Because you all have similar taste right?
Designated Rooms
There will be designated rooms. One room could be for heavy play, another for socializing, etc. Don't use one room for another purpose than for what it is set up to be. And definitely don't ever touch anyone else's toys or equipment without asking first. Always bring your own disinfectant wipes and towels, etc. Don't rely on the host to provide them. If you see a whip laying out on a table or any kind of gear, don't assume it's for public play and touch it. Ask first.
Be Prepared
Espically if you are wanting to play, make sure you are well hydrated and nourished. This kind of kink takes a lot of energy and adrenaline. So being fully hydrated and nourished is a good idea. This also helps to prevent you from having an intense crash.
The next thing you would want to do is bring your favorite toys. Most parties are BYOT which stands for Being Your Own Toys. Even though the host may provide some equipment, it is never a bad thing to bring your own. Along with disinfectant wipes, towels, etc. And always clean up after after yourself. If you scene in any area, make sure to wipe it down with wipes and pick up all debris that may be left behind.
Communication
If you are planning to play and are planning to play with someone you have just met at the party, this is called 'pick up play'. Obviously, this is not someone who you know and had time to get to know, therefore you are going to have to be more to the point and direct with your communication.
So your negotiation before a scene should go something like this: Idea of what kind of scene you want to engage in, a scale of your and their pain point from a 1-10, hard no's, soft no's, nicknames, safe words, and aftercare requirements. Typically, red, yellow and green are common safe words. Red meaning to immediately stop the play, it is too intense for the person, and yellow meaning slow way down, it is too much. Green meaning I am ok, keep going. So have an open, honest, and direct discussion about all these topics and anything else you may need to cover. Always be cautious if you are the top or the bottom, when playing for the first time with a new partner.
Definitely do not neglect any aftercare needs. A scene isn't over until the aftercare has been completed. BDSM activities are extremely strenuous and can leave one feeling weak and shaky. Even if your partner says they don't need any aftercare, still give them time and a space to chill and come back to normal. Bring them a glass of water and talk to them to make sure they are good. Also message them the next day just to double check that they are doing alright.
Another good rule is to never play above your skill level. It can be enticing to play hard core at times but if you play above what you are used to, this could potentially put the whole party at risk if paramedics or police have to be called, if something were to go very wrong. No one wants this. So play safely and according to your skill level. Remember everyone there was new at one time and not everyone is on the same skill level. And that is perfectly fine.
Play or Not to Play
Play is always encouraged at these parties but never is required. If you just want to socialize and watch for the first time, that is perfectly okay. And this can be very fun on it's own. Watching people engage in sexual activities, being a voyuer, is someone else's exhibitionist fantasy!! Remember to do it with good vibes tho as not to be an 'energy vampire.' Remember to never loudly say anything that the players can hear. Even whispers sometimes can be rude. So keep your comments to yourself until the appropriate time.
No Phone Pic's or Videos
Do not take your phone for the purpose of taking pictures. People in the BDSM community are very private about this part of their lives with the outside world. And they want to keep it that way!! Absolutely no pictures or videos are to be taken during these parties.
If you happen to run into someone from the party, do not say where you met unless you have checked with that person first.
Relax, Flirt and Have Fun
It is always fun to be flirted with and to do the flirting. I guarantee that everyone there feels the same social anxiety as you do!! So just try and relax, have fun and flirt. If you see someone there you think is hot, tell them so!! If they don't reciprocate it, gracefully move on and find someone else!!
If you are a newbie, you are probably going to look like a newbie and that is perfectly fine!! Everyone there was a newbie once and you will not be judged for that!! And they all remember how it was!! Just as long as you are respectful and mindful of other's, you will be just fine!!
So here is a pretty good set of mindful behaviors to keep in mind while attending your first play party. If you have an open mind, go in with the mindset of exploration and enthusiasm, if you are respectful and mindful of other's, you will have an amazing time!! Who knows!! You may even walk away with some new friends, maybe partner's, and maybe even some new skill level!! It will definitely be a new experience!!
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